When two wounded people meet, something draws them towards
each other. I do not say this on basis of any scientific studies or some notion
of my own, but I feel that it’s human nature. The hurt in one person is
sometimes mirrored by another. In the pain of others at times we see our own.
When that happens it feels as if two pieces of puzzle clicked. Or that was
perhaps what I had thought.
But is there anything better explained by words than
experiences? Nope. Never. It so happened that I was neck deep in making my
assignment to be submitted the next day. Yeah! Yeah! I get it. I am not compliant,
nor do I boast to be. Or you can say people like me are like rockets. We don’t
propel forward unless our ass is on fire. Like it’s said, “jheel mein toh sab
nao chalate hain… par samandar ki toofaano mein chalane ka mazaa hi kuch aur
hai. Oho… see what I was saying and now what I am saying. Now I won’t divert
from my story. Han so where was I?
Ah yes! I, Sonali Mehra was almost drowning when I changed
the tab of my net browser from the boring research paper I was reading to the
savior of boredom “facebook”. As I scrolled down the newsfeed, occasionally
liking and commenting on pics, I came upon an update “finally employed”. It was
from Chandan Ray, my schoolmate. Though we were batch mates in school, yet we
had never talked. Come on! I am not an introvert. My batch had some 400 odd
students! Anyways, as common courtesy I liked the status. After a few days, he was
online when I dropped a “congrats” message in the chat. I still don’t have any
idea as to why I did that. Bless that day. He replied back and we ended up
chatting from 9pm till 2 in the morning.
In the first chat itself I came to know about his break up
that happened a year ago. In turn I told about my eventful break up 6 months
ago. Our chats continued on the next day
and we exchanged numbers. Chatting on FB can be really boring sometimes I tell
you, hence we switched to whatsapp. We would often chat until either of us fell
asleep. It was during the chats about our pasts that brought us close.
Till I met him, I had no idea that guys can be so
understanding (yes! you can almost see my eyes shining when I talk about him).
One moment he would talk of philosophy and in the next will drop a pj making me
laugh. He was decent, I will give him that. Not once did he try to flirt with
me. We women are so anomalous, if guys flirt, we call them cheap, and when they
don’t, we get apprehensive why they don’t (yes! We are complicated. To tell you
a secret, we don’t know why we are so). But it so happens that the guys we want
to flirt with us, turn out to be too courteous. He was a charmer. And I was so
mesmerized by his aura that I had exited my empty universe and entered his
orbit. Like a sun, his gravity kept me stable. I became not a star, but merely
a moon, that shone through his light. I couldn’t wait for the day to end, so
that I could chat with him. I would read and reread our chats. He started
calling me “Sona”, saying Sonali was too long. Life was all honey and roses.
Now, don’t put words in my mouth. I never said the “L” word.
No, but I definitely liked him, much more than a friend should like a friend.
And I cared not what it was. As long as we kept talking each day, I was fine
with this “no classification” rapport I would ogle at his pics for hours. He was handsome, yes and very. But it was not
what kept popping in my mind. The thing that almost knocked me out of breath every
time I saw his pics was his smile and his eyes. Those eyes could hold someone
for all eternity and if looks could kill, I would have died a hundred deaths
daily.
Whenever we spoke, I felt as if all the atoms of my body
have gained a large amount of kinetic energy suddenly, and that their entropy
was beyond limits. My heart would seem to beat faster and the butterflies would
have Brownian movement all over my stomach… no calling them butterflies is
perhaps an understatement, they were “angry birds”. These were the
circumstances that made me bound to tell him that I liked him (no! not the L
word you think). He denied me saying that he liked me a lot but didn’t want to
hurt me and then lose me (He was scared (see! That’s what I meant. Too well-mannered).
I got the clue pretty well. Our chats seemed to decline after that. Though I
assured him that it wasn’t necessary that he felt the same way as I did. But
somehow, he started avoiding me. I tried to reach out to him many times, but he
just wouldn’t talk or text or call back.
At times I wondered, if he held his phone, seeing my name
flash on the screen and not pick it up. I wanted to see inside his mind as to
what he felt at that instant. Or that when he was reading my texts, almost
begging him to talk to me (don’t take these words too literally. Or I could go
to jail for threatening to murder). I
went through a series of emotions during that strange time, first it was
concern, then hurt, followed by rejection, then anger and then hurt again. It
was heartbreak all over again. It didn’t sound rational, but that’s what it
was. He was on my mind… day in and day out. I would stare at his pictures.
Anytime my phone buzzed, I heart would beat wildly expecting it to be from him,
and every time I would taste the acid in my mouth out if disappointment.
One fine day I decided, it was enough. I couldn’t bear the
hurt anymore, and it was time for me to let go. The more I tried to hold him to
me; I realized I was only suffocating myself. I thought the hurt from rejection
that had been building up in me, will explode someday and it wouldn’t be
pleasant. Plus, turning to begging wasn’t something I was proud of. So with the last shred of my tattered self
esteem and dignity along with scattered pieces of my broken heart, I decided
that I would abandon all attempts to contact him. My last text to him read,
‘You gave me warmth, when I was cold,
Filled me with life, when I felt old,
You and me, like sun and moon,
With your light I shone,
I knew in my heart, u will never be my man,
But I also know you are the one”
As I stand now three years later, in a mall, I see him
inside a store, he looks up at me. I am confused. Should I run? Should I wave?
He smiles, calls, “Sona!!”, And I melt. We talk for some time. Only formal
talks. My heart still aches for him. My solar system lacks its sun and I have
forgotten to shine. A million questions in my mind. But not a word to utter. I
leave as soon as I could. And then cry my eyes out. There was something between
us, or was that just me? Silly me… of course it was one sided.
