DISTURBED

The night, so silent and calm,

After the day falls, slowly creeps in.

The stillness, the silence so alluring,

Everyone seems to be asleep,

Only she remains,

To hear the little sounds,

To feel the darkness that surround.

The stars so bright, the breeze blowing cool,

Everyone seems to be at peace,

Only she remains,

Disturbed and troubled,

Her Eyes seeking something unknown.

The clouds gliding over the moon,

Such lethargic float,

Only thing she does is sit by her window and stare at it,

Such a pity, she cannot find tranquility…

With brimming eyes and a faint smile,

Her face is exquisite…

Her room is neat…

Even her bed looks cozy,

She did try to sleep sometime ago…

Tossing and turning, till she gave up the thought,

Something doesn’t feel right…

Sleep has deserted her,

What doesn’t let her sleep?

Is it her yearning or is it her fear?

She sits there and ponders…

The night so beautiful in itself,

Like a fallen angel, with its wings spread,

Ready to take her in its arms,

But she trusts not the lovely face,

For she knows that beauty often deceives…

Everyone trusts the night,

Only she remains……

ETERNAL AFFILIATION

The pain was excruciating, I could hardly breathe. It seemed as if I had to spend all my energy every time I took a single breath. I could feel something sticky on my forehead. I tried to touch it but someone told me “don’t struggle... we are just a few minutes away from the hospital”

I tried to say that I couldn’t breathe, but the words won’t come out. Something was there on my mouth and nose... I wanted to take it off but I couldn’t. Everything was paining... I wanted to sleep, but the pain was over powering everything else. I could feel that I was being lifted and put in a vehicle…

The doors were about to close when I heard a voice full of panic, “hurry up will you? Can’t you see she is in pain? We don’t have time to waste”

Someone said “we will have to inform the police”

Then the voice said again, “I will inform them... and fulfill all your bloody formalities, just hurry up”

I felt someone hold my hand... I knew the touch, its warmth so well… I knew then that I was safe. She was here, and she won’t let anything to happen to me. But can she really be here? Even after what I did?

My eyes were getting heavy and sleep took over me.

I woke up to the beep beep sound of the monitor that said that my heart was still working, and I saw her half asleep on the chair beside my bed. The clock showed 3am. She was there looking as if she was never gone… memories flooded me……

It feels as if yesterday instead of 5years when I first stepped into college. I was feeing anxious because I never knew what college’s environment was. I had completed my XIIth in the school where I joined in nursery. I knew nothing about college and my friends told me that every fresher had to undergo ragging.

I wanted to sneak past all the seniors and reach my class, but as predestined, all good things do not happen when you expect them to, and a bunch of my seniors were sitting on their bikes. Three guys and four girls. One of them asked,

“Hey you there… come here”

And I froze… I had heard of stories where seniors tortured fresher so much so that they committed suicide. I gathered up all the courage I had and walked to them. There was probably 20 steps gap between us… and in those 20 steps, I kept repeating myself “I am a strong woman. They cannot do anything illegal here. After all ragging is an offence, punishable against law. I can do this. They can’t tease me. I am a strong woman”

Each time I said all this, a little voice in my brain said “you are dead meat”

One girl asked, “Are you a fresher?”

I could hear the little voice saying “chicken”… I nodded.

There was a triumphal smile on her face… and her friends smiled crookedly.

One guy said “first of the season”

I could literally hear my heart beating wild against my ribs.

He asked “what’s your name doll face?” and my muscles tightened.

I mumbled “riya sharma”

Another girl said “since you are the first fresher we caught [he grinned as if I was a mouse that he had by the tail] we would like you to introduce yourself in a dramatic way… as in you have to sing”

She didn’t look like a bully, but there was something about her face that said that anyone who crossed her would be sorry as hell.  I dropped the idea of running off, which was being carefully planed in my brain for the last 5minutes. I could sense that she would never tolerate if I ran off.  She was the predator and I was the outlander in her territory. There wasn’t a chance of my survival.

I could hear the throbbing of my pulse near my ear. There wasn’t anything extraordinary that they had asked of me. I was perfectly capable of giving my introduction and in a dramatic way for sure. I was the drama queen of my group. But at that moment I felt vulnerable. I had a nervous breakdown and I cried on the spot. I put my face in my hands and sobbed. Hearing my broken cry, someone placed a hand on my shoulders; I looked up to see that it was the same girl.

She said, “Hey don’t cry. We were just kidding. No need to be so serious about al this stuff”

And I cried harder like the stupid I was. I don’t know what she thought, but she held me close till my sobs faded. Then she said, “I am gitika and these are my friends. Do not cry. We are your friends.”

And that was the day I got a sister t the college. Since then she had been my protector and me, her protégé. Thanks to her I never faced a problem at college and no one ever tried to bully me. She became the sister that I never had and I became her doll sister.  Nobody would ever say that we both weren’t related by blood. I guess we were siblings in another life. Though she was just 8months elder to me, still she preferred that I call her as di.

And then three years 6months and 12days since the day I made acquaintance with gitika di, the unexpected happened. It was her farewell. I had done badly in one of my papers and was very sad. I was at college and di was trying to cheer me up. I was irritated, and told her to leave me alone. But she kept on pushing me and when it was more than I could bear, slapped her. For a moment everything became still… and then she swore that she will never see my face ever again. I was too angry to realize my mistake and white with rage I said I didn’t care and came home.

When my anger cooled, I thought of the grave mistake I did, but when I tried to reach her, she denied talking to me. After trying to talk to her, my ego didn’t allow me to try to persuade her anymore.

I saw her again after two years at a function, yesterday or was it day before? It all depended on how many days I was asleep. She wasn’t aware that I was at the same party, but I saw her and when our eyes met while I was coming out of the party, I was too much occupied to see the headlights coming towards me and everything faded.

The two years had little effect on her features. She was still the same, with the same graceful look about her face. I felt a lump in my throat. She was here, even after I insulted her in front of the whole campus. The pain of bandages on my head and body faded at her sight. My di was here. I tried to reach for water when the tubes attached to my hand made a sound and di woke up.

She came near me and placed a cold palm on my face, “how do you feel sweetie?”

I could only stare at her… and then I babbled “di I am really very sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I am ashamed of myself. I am the most despicable person…”

She shushed me and said “you need to relax. I am here and don’t be sorry. You are my kid sister and you will always be that.”

“Can you forgive me after what I did? How can you stand here knowing that I am a rotten person?”

“Isn’t that what sisters are for? To watch each others back? Besides I love you lot to hold any grudges against you”

She pecked me on my cheeks and told me to sleep.

Lying in that white room I realized how very little knowledge I had of relationships. The moments you expect them to snap and break off; they come up with a stronger bond than ever. True relationships are like that, they never dwindle, even at worse times but become concentrated just like the phoenix, which is reborn from its ashes. I was so naïve, still am naïve. After all, I am the kid sister to my di.

PROMISE

Every Saturday he would come and sit in front of me and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. He is the most wonderful part of my world, or at least what was left of it. The sadness in his eyes would kill me. Yet in spite of the sorrow his face was angelic. Nothing I could ever imagine to be more stunning than his face.

Rahul, the most beautiful name in my world, is my life. It had been much time since I saw that breath taking smile of his that always made me feel blessed.

Though we love each other more than anything else yet we broke up on the day he proposed me. There was no specific reason; a little mistake on our part and our relationship was over. At first he was too angry with me for the loss of our relationship. He blamed me. He was utterly infuriated with me but gradually he accepted that it was over.

After a month of break up, he came to meet me and since then we spend every Saturday afternoon and evenings together. I must say he hasn’t missed a single Saturday. He would bring me orchids, my favorite. At times he would get me chocolates and even candies. I love spending time with him.

In the beginning he asked me to return to him a couple of times, but when he realized that this topic made me sad, he never brought it up again. We would talk for hours together; he would tell me about what he did all week and how much he missed me.

Although it had been about two years since we broke up, he still carries our picture in his wallet. I remember the first time he put that picture in his wallet, he said, “It will always remain here, I will show this to our children someday”. He kept his words. Though the latter part of his words won’t ever come true, still it made me feel special in knowing that he cared so much for me, even after all I put him through.

I am Rekha. I met Rahul five years ago in college. Since the first time we met, there was some unseen force that pulled us towards each other and we kept meeting again and again just by chance, it was later that I came to know that those “co-incidences” were very carefully planned by Rahul and his friends.

After being friends with him, I came to know him better and my life started revolving around him. It was like he had a force much greater than gravitational force that invariably pulled me towards him. He would stay on my mind all day. To my delight, we started spending most of the time together and after 4months of “friendship”, he finally said he loved me. I was already head over heels for him…

On our first date, he took me to the outskirts of the city where we watched the sunset together. I was very happy. He understood me much better than myself and I couldn’t have imagined a better person than him. As a couple we fought very little, and he would always do something crazy that would make me forget about getting angry at him. He was, still is my perfect man.

But a patch up was impossible. What had been done couldn’t be undone. But we met every week and he would talk about his problems, would listen to mine.

One day while we were sitting together, he told me that his parents want him to marry. He was sad about it. No matter how much I tried to make him understand that he should move on in life, and there was no point in waiting for me, he wouldn’t listen.

I surely wanted him to start his life anew, but some part of me was so selfish that I couldn’t even dare to imagine him with another girl. But I wanted him to get married. I knew for sure that there was no possibility of “we” between me and him.

He told me, “I know you want me to start a life, but don’t you even think that I ever will think of anyone else than you. My love, my life is only and only for you and there is not even a spec of space for another girl in my heart”

I asked him, “what if I don’t want you anymore? Still you would want me?”

He didn’t answer to that. He always did that. Whenever I would ask him something important, he wouldn’t answer.

The next Saturday he “came to me and said, “I have told my parents I won’t ever marry in life”

I was shocked. I asked” but why?”

He said “the only girl I want to marry will never be mine but I am his for all eternity”

 I had cried that night after he left. Tears that were so well buried inside me welled up and I let them flow for I had the comfort that he wasn’t here to see me all crying like that.

Some days he will come and not talk at all. He will sit beside me and keep looking at me. The pain in his eyes would tear my soul apart. His silent tears would burn me like acid. Lord knows how much I want to hold his face that time, to kiss away all those tears, to hug him, but I would stop myself coz I know that will make him weaker still. And I was his strength, perhaps his weakness as well.

Today I am worried. Though it’s a Wednesday, yet he was supposed to visit me today. It’s my birthday after all. He never missed my birthdays, no matter on what days it came. Even after its two years since our relationship is over, he was always the first one to wish me. He would get me a dark forest cake [my favorite again] and lots and lots of balloons. He did something special on ever birthday of mine. He would light up my whole place with candles and would sit beside me till all the candles burn out.

But he was late today, and he is never late. As the clock is ticking by, I am getting more anxious. It was almost evening when Raj, his younger brother came up to me, placed the flowers and cake on my steps and went away. I asked him what’s wrong, but he didn’t answer me.

Its Saturday today. I was damn sue Rahul will come to meet me. But I waited in vain. He didn’t come.

The next week seemed to drag on… there was no news of him. At a point I thought perhaps he actually moved on with his life and now I was only but a past to him. Then again I was divided between the good and bad in me. My good part said I should be happy and my bad part clashed with it saying that he promised!

It was on the fine Tuesday morning that he came to me. It was very early, nearly dark, but the sense of his touch was so profound in my memory that I identified him. He came close to me and hugged me...

After a long long time, he released me. I looked at his face and there was my favorite breath taking smile on his face. He said softly “I love you. “

I was terribly angry! I shouted “what are you doing here?? You are not supposed to be here! Do you even know what it means??”

He let me whine and when I stopped he said, “I had to come because I knew you would be waiting.”

I said “please elaborate!!!”

He said with the smile on his face, “I had to come. I promised I would. But it took time and I am sorry for that. I had certain responsibilities, the foremost being Raj. I had to take care of his education before I could come to you. Now that he is married, he has a life and won’t need me anymore. I wanted to come to you on your birthday... but they wouldn’t let me go.”

He saw the frown on my face, but continued, “After you left me that day forever, I promised that I would soon join you. I wanted to spend my whole life with you. Do you know what sitting in front of your tombstone every Saturday did to me?  But I wasn’t at liberty to join you then, on your birthday, I could finally muster the strength to write a goodbye note and take some pills. Thank god they worked.  Now that I am free, I am yours and we are together again. Now nothing can separate us, not even death”

I simply looked at his face... He is truly my angel… who is with me in life as well as in death 

BONSAI

The speedometer was showing 90 km per hour. It wasn’t that Ansh was a speed maniac or that he was analyzing how fast his black beauty {he referred to his thunderbird} could take him, but he wanted to outrun the city, its crowd, its lights and its roar as soon as possible.

He found it hard to believe that once this noise, this crowd fascinated him. He hardly missed a chance to go to the markets, look for different stuffs, he used to enjoy parties and hang outs. Now all this repelled him. Traveling with friends used to be his passion, now it seemed as if he wanted silence and peace. He had grown tired of all that.

To take a ride to the beach at the outskirts of the city after returning from office had been incorporated in his routine now. He used to sit there for hours listening to the melody of the tides accompanied by the salty winds… he felt as if that added flavor to his tasteless life. The few moments he spent each day on the beach were like his driving force. He spent each day in hope that at the end of the day he would get a chance to come back here again.

Sitting in front of the massive ocean, he often thought about his life. Being the eldest son of the family had its price to be paid. With everyone expecting so much from his and the responsibilities that were put on him seemed to crush him. He didn’t blame anyone for expecting from him, but the pull of the anticipations from him were working as gravitational force pulling him into something unknown.

Everyone just saw him as a person settled in life. To them being settled meant having a job that paid him enough and the lifestyle he maintained. But no one actually cared to think of the numerous pains he underwent to be where he is today. It felt as though he was walking on a path that was decided by someone rather than himself, no one ever asked what he wanted out of life. The anticipations were chocking the life out of him.

He often wondered if anyone understood his dilemma. He wasn’t the kind of person who kept nagging about everything but preferred to remain silent. Though it never helped him, yet he wasn’t hurting anyone either. Everyone seemed so engrossed in their own lives that they hardly had time to understand him. His family was happy to see him settled in life that he didn’t want to disappoint them. The girl he loved also came to his mind. It had been days since he talked to him. Did she understand? Maybe not. She was still very immature and captivated in her own life to notice him. Every time he called her she would go on about how many days later he called her and all.

He wanted peace. He wanted to be as he used to be. Sometimes he felt as if he had grown old overnight.

Something he saw this morning has been troubling him since. He didn’t have much to do in the morning so Atul called him up to ask him if he could accompany him for some shopping. Ansh also had some things to buy so he agreed. While they were entering in to the mall, Ansh saw a new shop at the ground floor. It read “BONSAI TREES”

Though Ansh wasn’t a essentially a botany person, yet the art of growing dwarf trees intrigued him a lot. On entering the shop he was enthralled to see many small trees in pots, some were laden with fruits some flowers etc. an old man came up to him and asked, “Can I help you sir?”

He was pale and looked old enough to be sitting on a wheel chair than working here. Ansh replied, “I am just taking a look around”

The man followed him may be out of suspicion that he might intend to harm the trees or god knows steal something. Ansh came to a stop when he saw a tree that looked spiral and next to it was a tree that was almost spherical in shape at its trunk. Unable to hide his curiosity he asked “do the trees grow this way naturally?”

He replied, “No. we actually tie the trees with steel wires when they are growing up and give them the shape we want”

Ansh said ‘don’t you think plants have their own wish to grow as they want? They are also alive”

The man said. “If we let the plant grow as it wants, it will grow many unnecessary branches and wont fruit in time. We won’t get what we expect out of it”

The smile on the man’s face haunted him till now. Seeing a tree all twisted and tied in cables resembled him somehow. Each cable wanted the tee to grow in a certain direction to meet expectations. No one ever wanted the poor tree to grow as it wants, to fruit when it desires.

He looked at his watch. It was nearly 11pm. He should get going. He couldn’t sleep that night.

The next morning he got up and went to the very shop. He specifically asked the man to get him a tree that was tied with wires. He carefully brought the tree home and with the help of a wire cutter, cut each wire, removing them with utmost care. After all the wires were removed, he realized that although he had removed the cables, the scars will always stay on the tree till it breathes its last.

Wish someone kind enough would cut the cables that tied him. A tear trickled down his cheeks.