“Innocence tinctures all things with
brightest hues” –Edward Counsel
“I remember being carefree once. I remember being a child once. It was a long time ago but it sure left its imprints that I carry till this day.”
The events that happened this morning had left me disturbed and I found myself in the same labyrinth of my soul where fear and nightmares lurked in the corridors. A long night awaited me. I knew sleep was something that has abandoned me tonight. No, I hadn’t committed any murders nor I was a criminal of any sort, perhaps I was just a prisoner of my soul, my conscience.
Like any
other Friday I had visited my brother, it had become a tradition since the day
he shifted here with my sister in law, Priya and daughter, Tara. I started
working just 2 years ago and most of my weekends were spent with books and
occasionally friends. Since his house was distant from mine it was difficult
for me to move in with them. But my weekends belonged to them. For one, my bhabhi
was adorable, caring and an intelligent woman and I looked up to her for advice
for anything and everything. And my brother was, well the best one ever made.
But my niece was the apple of my eye. I couldn’t stand not seeing her. So
during dinner, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She was going to
turn six.
Before I
finished asking my question she got ecstatic and said, “I want a puppy, but dad
won’t get me one. You get me one. Please…. Pleassssssssseeeeeeee”. I stopped as
if someone had hit me in the gut. I came back to my place, and my brother
didn’t stop me. He understood.
I was taken
to my childhood. I was seven when things were set in motion that haunts me till
this day. Even as a child I was quite different. I rather spent my time in reading
a book than making a doll house. I was fascinated with books and like any other
family, mine encouraged me as well. That particular spring, in ’98 I was
reading snow white when my brother came to my room and started packing a gift.
When I asked who it for was, he said, “It’s for my girlfriend. Tomorrow is valentine’s
day.”
“What day?”
I asked
“When you
grow you will know. But it’s a day for love. Love will find you someday my
princess”
His words
had got me thinking. The next day, it was Valentine’s Day. I was returning from
school when I saw a puppy running towards me. Behind the puppy were four boys
with stones in their hand. I was afraid of animals, but the way that puppy took
shelter behind me; I felt like a protector and ward off the boys since they
were familiar with my temper and also knew my bother (evil smile). The puppy
had followed me home. And for reasons I did not understand, I picked it up and
carried inside telling my mother, “I want to keep him”. My brother fought for
me and we got to keep him.
The puppy
was cute and unlike street animals was clean. It was white with two black
spots, one on its left eye and the other on its back. The spot on his eye
looked heart shaped. So when my bother asked me what I wanted to name it, I
said “Love”. Love stood up to his name, to the letter, so much so that even my
mother had accepted him finally. Even on his first day at his new house, he
didn’t complain when I bathed him. He waited patiently till his food was served
and slept peacefully on my lap.
The next day
I and my brother had taken him to a vet and got him checked and gave him
vaccination. Within a short span of time
he became an integral part of our life. He knew where he should go and where he
should not. What he should do and get a reward and what he shouldn’t do. Not
once was he scolded. It was like he had lived here for a long time and knew all
the rules. Time went so fast when I was with him. And most of my childhood
memories had him in the foreground and me in the background. He not only won
hearts of everyone in the family but also everywhere. He was growing up fast
and I loved it.
He would
meet everyone with those exciting eyes and he was a sport. One can never get
bored with him. And he won’t let you be angry with him. If for some reasons he
made a mistake, he would come and place his head on your lap till you caress
him. And if you don’t, he will look at you with liquid eyes that can melt even
the hardest hearts.
And I
remember the day that turned into a nightmare. It was summer of 2000. I was
playing with my friends and it was near dusk. My brother and Love had come to take
me home. I remember seeing Love across the street and waving at him. And he was
running towards me. And at the blink of an eye, he was hit by a car. For a
moment, everything stopped. And then I ran like hell towards Love. He was lying
in the middle of the road, there was blood but it wasn’t much. He was making
soft sounds, like a baby crying and wasn’t moving. I and my brother took him to
a vet. It took us forever to get there and I held him to me all the way. I
refused to let him go even when the doctor told me so.
It took my
brother all this strength to tear me away from Love so that the vet could check
him. I hadn’t cried, I was sitting still. After sometime the doc came and I
remember her exact words, “it seems he is bleeding internally and is in much
pain. It will be better if we put him out of his misery. He won’t make it. I am
sorry”
Everybody
looked at me. I went in and held him to me. While everyone came and sat by us,
nobody dared to move me from his side. I held his head in my lap when the doc
injected him with something. I watched him looking at me and in sometime I
watched the lights go out of his eyes. Those very eyes that shone like stars
were expressionless. His body was limp. I held him while he left me. I watched
him die. Love was gone. I don’t know how much time I sat there with him, or how
we came home.
I don’t
remember the days that followed the days we buried him in our backyard. My
family made an effort to cheer me. Even tried to bring me another dog. But that
was just a dog, not my Love. Love had found me. Then he was gone. Perhaps he
would have been alive if I hadn’t called him, or if the car had missed him by
seconds or if I hadn’t gone to play that day. There were many ifs. But I had
always held myself responsible for his death.
My train of
thoughts broke when I received a call from my bhabhi.
“You should
have stayed. But I understand. Let me tell you something. It wasn’t your fault
all those years ago. Sometimes bad things happen. But you need to forgive
yourself.”
I cried all
night. But I knew what Love had meant to me. If I could have the time back with
him, I would have it. And I would never deny my Tara of that experience. I
would gift her puppy for her birthday.
