THE BAD TOOTH

I once had a bad tooth. i dont know how it happened, i mean i had chocolates in childhood, but it should have affected all teeth, not just one. anyway, so this tooth has a caries. whenever i had something hot or cold, it would pain as hell, and not only that the gum would at times swell and make life miserable. so much so that there was a point when i was in pain for days. on consulting a doctor, I was advised to get it removed. but when i thought about removing it, the idea caused me more pain than pain from the tooth itself. i couldnt imagine losing a tooth at the age of 17. of course it was a premolar, and gap wouldn't show when i laughed, if I removed it. but it was a part of me. and only a portion of it had gone bad, that was no reason to throw the whole tooth away. i thought about going for filling, but i was told, sooner or later, the filling would come off and i would be back to the pain.
                                    after a lot of thought, i decided to get it removed. the extraction process was one of the most painful incidents of my life. you see, the tooth had three roots, buried deep in my gums, attached firmly. it took the dentist almost half an hour. and at the end of it, i was bleeding and there was swelling. but it got better in a few weeks. now i dont have pain from that tooth.
                             the same goes for love. love hurts. it twists you in ways you never imagined possible. and there comes a point when you feel you are in constant pain. but the thought of living without it hurts as hell. it is so deeply buried in your soul, that it has become a very important part of who you are. but there comes a point when you cant take it anymore. so you take a bold step. its the most painful decision you ever took and you have no idea how will life continue.
                           of course, i miss my tooth, there is still that gap which cant be filled, often i think if i could have done anything to save that tooth. 

CROSSROADS

Crossroads

Again on a crossroad, I stand and wail,

Counting with my fingers the times I fail,

Soon the count will be too numerous,

My mind gets restless and my heart furious,

I stand not knowing which way I should take.

They say take a leap of faith,

But never do they mention where to put my faith.

My devil and my angel sit on either side.

I can see the darkness and the light.

I may choose to give up; I may stand and fight,

But as of now I cannot decide.

I need some hope, I need some peace,

Yet I enjoy all the mess.

The hesitation, the anxiety, the tension, the fear,

Afraid of losing all that’s dear,

It only proves that I am human,

With all my imperfection and desire

I can be the wind, I can be the fire.

I cannot be defeated, no! Not just yet,

My devil must surrender; I must see the light,

And with the rising sun, I will take another flight.

Soon I know I will be at another crossroad,

Where another devil awaits,

But he will never have the aura my angel creates.

SUNDAY

SUNDAY

Yes! It’s finally a Sunday. After a whole week, I finally have a day to myself. Lucky are those who work 5 days a week… I am not amongst those. I work 6 days a week. But on Saturday evening, when I get ready to come out of office, I feel like going to the top of the mountains and to shout, “I finally have a day to myself… it’s a holiday”. “Holidays”, a word that seemed like a punishment when I was in school, now sound like a blessing from the Gods.  Sometimes it feels like I wait for the whole week so that I can have a Sunday.  Waiting for it, gives me the necessary hope that I can spend the week.

What I do on a Sunday? Well you must be kidding! I will do what everybody does! Eat, sleep and relax. Duh!  I am a bit lucky since I stay at home. I mean I don’t stay at a far off city. So Sunday means, mom will cook delicious things. I can sleep lazily all day and I will wake up to the aroma of tasty, mouth watering food.

I never use an alarm clock to wake up on weekdays. Mama does that work for me. She knows I am not an early bird. So she wakes me up precisely 45minutes before my time to leave for work. I wake up, then sleep, she becomes my “snooze” (yes! i don’t have to worry about that too) and wakes me up after 10 minutes. I rush to the bathroom, take a quick shower and then the breakfast awaits me. By then, mama has already packed my lunch (I don’t like outside food. And home food keeps me from adding more fat to the fat reservoir of my body). We have breakfast together, and then we leave. I drop her off at her workplace and then move to my workplace.

She comes home an hour earlier than me. by the time I reach home, I am tired as hell. I watch tv, listen to some music, surf the net, have my dinner and then go of to sleep.

This is most probably the routine of every person my age. But starting this week, I have a problem.  My mom has been transferred to another city. That meant. It’s me and papa now. No worries! We can handle things.  

On the first day she is away, I wake up 30 minutes late. There is no breakfast waiting for me. I reach office an hour late, with no breakfast and no lunch box. When I reach home in the evening, I find myself alone. I have to cook dinner, but I am so tired. Anyway one has to do what one has to do. I like cooking. I cook, papa returns, we have dinner. But after that? I have to do the dishes, clean the kitchen and then I go off to bed. I sleep like the dead. But not before I set the alarm. 

The next morning I wake up groggy. I do my work, make breakfast (yesterday papa also went on an empty stomach) and then the cycle continues. Everyday I sleep like the dead, I don’t have energy to do anything anymore. Neither I watch tv, nor I read anything, nor I talk to friends… in short I do nothing for myself. Even on a Sunday I have to do all these work. And to add on top of that, we have guests. The very guests who seemed like a basket full of fun, now seems like a burden.

I call up my mom, “Houston! We have a problem”

My mom laughs. Listens to me while I whine on the phone for 20 minutes that I can’t handle all of these.  She talks to papa and asks him to help me as much as he can. After I talk to her, I sit and realize, how did mom do all of this?

Never did she complain. And she did all that so smoothly. Not a speck of dust anywhere, and I find it difficult even to change my sheets.  We both had 24 hours. I don’t find time to do anything, but she did. Even on a Sunday, she was expected to make “delicious” things for us. She did that happily.

She is 56 and I am 23. Technically I should be bouncing with energy and she should be the one taking rest. Is anything wrong with me?  Is she some kind of a superwoman?  Yes! a Superwoman she is.  She is the Superwoman of my family.

She has been working day and night, night and day, since the day she married, without a holiday. In fact on holidays, her workload increases. Thousands of words are written praising mothers, “liking” statuses, “sharing “ quotes on how we appreciate our moms. Not once we stop and think, “how about I give her a holiday instead of praising her on facebook?”

Not everyone in this world enjoys a holiday.

This piece of writing is NOT DEDICATED TO MY MOM. Rather, it’s a request to all the people who are reading it, for once, go to your mom and say, ”Mom, why don’t you take a day off, I will do all your work today. From morning to evening, have a day to yourself “ and I tell you, at the end of that day, you will go to bed satisfied that this was one of the best days of your life.

And amongst my readers, if at all there are any mothers, know in your heart that you are a real Superwoman.

KEEPING IT SIMPLE

“Yeah now it’s finally your turn. So truth or dare?” asked a delighted Anjali.

The bottle looked Surabhi in the eye. What should she choose? Surely she won’t say “dare”. What if they make her dance to the tunes of ‘munni badnam hui” in front of her neighbor’s balcony again, like they did the last time. Ohhh! That was embarrassing, especially when their 15 year old son had watched her and next day came with a bunch of roses. And if she chose to say “truth”, they will surely ask some thwarting question. She hated this game. But a choice had to be made!

“What Surabhi? U chicken?” mocked Rajiv.

“Truth” said Surabhi looking straight at Rajiv. And then she realized what she had done. Amrit was there, the guy who had recently joined their team. Smart, handsome and a great personality. She surely didn’t want to say things that will make him think she is weird.

Before Rajiv could ask, Anjali interrupted, “so, tell me, what is it you see in a guy who wants to date you”

Relief flooded over Surabhi and Anjali winked at her. She was helping her.  Now Surabhi answered, “The guy should be simple, honest, faithful, and should love me. “

“And?” asked Rajiv. “What about status? Money?”

“I don’t want a millionaire; he should just earn enough to make a living. And about status, I don’t care about that either.”

Amrit seemed to have liked her answer. After the dinner was over, Amrit asked Surabhi,” did you mean what you said back then? About what you want in a guy?”

“Yes. And I mean it to every syllable” answered Surabhi.

Soon they started going out together, and within a month, they were in a relationship. Amrit was loving, caring and faithful to her. She was the only thing he had on his mind.

Life was honey and roses. They would go to office together, come back together, spend a lot of time… people started getting jealous of how happy they were.

But nothing lasts forever. They started having fights on silly things, avoided each other, and finally broke up after a year of relationship. Nobody knew what went wrong, and they never talked about it. Not even to their close friends. Friends tried to sort things between them but you cannot cure something unless you know what it is about.

About three years after their break up, while Surabhi was travelling via train, she met Amrit. They shared the same compartment. For some time, it was really weird, as they avoided looking at each other. After asking how they are doing, the conversation seemed to stop.

Then Surabhi said, “I read about your company a few days ago in the paper. Congratulation on the best entrepreneur award”

“Thanks.  But I didn’t see any articles about you since two years. You were in the talk of most people I met. But then you suddenly vanished. What happened? Sorry that I kept tabs on you. Old habits die hard. I thought of visiting you last time when I was in city but then heard that you moved. What do you do now?”

Surabhi’s heart gave a flutter. After all this time, he still thought about her?  Even thought of visiting her? But why? And how could he still think about her after everything?

She was taken back to the time when they have their last conversation. The day they broke off.

“What’s wrong with you?” asked Amrit

‘What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?” thundered Surabhi. “All you talk about is being content with what you have! How can you not be ambitious? How can you not try to be more?”

“Surabhi, all I want for us to be happy with what we have. Is there something wrong in that? Are you not happy with me? I have dreamt of our future together!”

“When you don’t strive to reach heights, what future are we going to make? It’s like you don’t want a promotion. I have heard you declined it”

“Yes I did. I am content with what we have. It’s time for us to take this relationship to the next level. I want to talk to your parents. I want to introduce you to my parents”

“You will meet my parents and tell them what? That you don’t want progress? That you won’t let me go ahead with my career or that you declined a promotion?”

“I will tell them that I love you. I want you for life.”

“Ha! As if they are going to agree to that!”

“Enough Surabhi! A year ago, all you wanted was a cottage on a country side and a dog and a lawn and me. You were happy with spending a quiet evening on the beach with me.  Today what you want is a penthouse, a Mercedes, a promotion! It’s as if you have transformed”

“That was a fantasy! Wake up to the real world. People change Amrit. Priorities change that is what takes us forward”

“No! I won’t have it. You are completely different from the person I fell in love with.”

“But I am happy with the person I am today. You are unhappy with this relationship, and then let’s get this over with”

“Yes. Let’s do that. I am not the one you want now. And I cannot be just another object in your life. All your words have been fake. You say u like simplicity, but when it gets simple, you hate it. You don’t want a bank balance, but then you want a handsome salary! You say you like country side but when you go there, all you want is to sit in an A/c car with your shades! You say you enjoy the beach… but then you can’t live without your sunscreen for two seconds!  You are not what you show others. Try being honest with yourself sometimes.  I love you, but I will not be kicked around by you. Never! ” Amrit said and slammed the door after he left.

That was the last they spoke to each other…

Amrit cleared his throat, “Surabhi? I asked what u you do now. Are you alright?”

 “I work at an NGO that works for orphans.”

“NGO! What about your corporate job?”

“Been there, done that. Didn’t find peace. It was madness all the time. Now my working hours are short, I get to live in peace.”

“Where do you live?”

“I bought a cottage a year ago, on the countryside”

“Wow! You fulfilled your dream. Did you get a dog?”

“No not yet” said Surabhi with a lump in her throat. Tears were forming in her eyes and she was pleading them to stop. Not now! Not now please.

After a few minutes of silence, Amrit asked,” did you ever think of me in all this time? Ever at all”

Surabhi felt as if someone had punched her in the stomach. She had thought about him millions of times. Cried many nights, but never dared to seek him. She was the one who lost sight of light and pushed him away!

She couldn’t stop those tears any longer. “I am sorry. I have been so wrong. So so wrong about everything! I lost the most beautiful thing in my life, you”

Amrit hugged her, “sshhh! Don’t cry. Don’t cry honey. It’s alright. People screw up. That’s life. If not for you, I would have never quit my job and started my own company. You have done me more good than anyone else.  What we had was really special. But people indeed change. And sometimes change is good. Look at yourself. You have finally got what you wanted from the beginning. Don’t cry any more. I don’t have anything against you”

Surabhi controlled her tears. Moved away from Amrit’s embrace as the train slowed down. “I have to go. Bye. Be well”

“Wait! But this isn’t your station” by the time Amrit said so; Surabhi had already taken her bag and moved into the crowd at the station.

The weeks that followed this incident was difficult for Surabhi. She wouldn’t go anywhere, return any calls, Amrit called her many times, but after a week, he stopped calling. She was enveloped by the emptiness that surrounded her.

One day there was a knock on the door. The maid came and said, “koi sahib aap k liye pooch rahe hain”

“bol do ki mein ghar pe nehi hun” Surabhi said indifferently.

“Thik hai, par bole ki ye app ko de dun”

And she handed Surabhi a box. When she opened the box, she was dumbfounded! A puppy was yelping inside. She ran to the door to see Amrit standing there.

“Told you… we will get a dog of our choice.” Said Amit with a smile on his face.

Surabhi threw herself at him and he held her to him. She cried and he soothed her with soft words. “I love you. Though you will not admit easily, but I know you love me too, and we complete each other. There has been no one for me but you. And now we can make it come true.”

“I love you! God! I love you more than you can imagine” Said Surabhi amid the tears.

“ohh! Finally! Now that we have our facts, do u think you have a room for me here?  Our parents are coming tomorrow and we are getting married ASAP. I talked to them on both our behalf. “

Surabhi nodded her head in his embrace.

P.S.: be it a man or a woman, we are far more complicated than we care to admit, and greed for more is human nature.

LOVE FOUND ME

“Innocence tinctures all things with brightest hues” –Edward Counsel

“I remember being carefree once. I remember being a child once. It was a long time ago but it sure left its imprints that I carry till this day.”

The events that happened this morning had left me disturbed and I found myself in the same labyrinth of my soul where fear and nightmares lurked in the corridors. A long night awaited me. I knew sleep was something that has abandoned me tonight. No, I hadn’t committed any murders nor I was a criminal of any sort, perhaps I was just a prisoner of my soul, my conscience.

Like any other Friday I had visited my brother, it had become a tradition since the day he shifted here with my sister in law, Priya and daughter, Tara. I started working just 2 years ago and most of my weekends were spent with books and occasionally friends. Since his house was distant from mine it was difficult for me to move in with them. But my weekends belonged to them. For one, my bhabhi was adorable, caring and an intelligent woman and I looked up to her for advice for anything and everything. And my brother was, well the best one ever made. But my niece was the apple of my eye. I couldn’t stand not seeing her. So during dinner, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She was going to turn six.

Before I finished asking my question she got ecstatic and said, “I want a puppy, but dad won’t get me one. You get me one. Please…. Pleassssssssseeeeeeee”. I stopped as if someone had hit me in the gut. I came back to my place, and my brother didn’t stop me. He understood.

I was taken to my childhood. I was seven when things were set in motion that haunts me till this day. Even as a child I was quite different. I rather spent my time in reading a book than making a doll house. I was fascinated with books and like any other family, mine encouraged me as well. That particular spring, in ’98 I was reading snow white when my brother came to my room and started packing a gift. When I asked who it for was, he said, “It’s for my girlfriend. Tomorrow is valentine’s day.”

“What day?” I asked

“When you grow you will know. But it’s a day for love. Love will find you someday my princess”

His words had got me thinking. The next day, it was Valentine’s Day. I was returning from school when I saw a puppy running towards me. Behind the puppy were four boys with stones in their hand. I was afraid of animals, but the way that puppy took shelter behind me; I felt like a protector and ward off the boys since they were familiar with my temper and also knew my bother (evil smile). The puppy had followed me home. And for reasons I did not understand, I picked it up and carried inside telling my mother, “I want to keep him”. My brother fought for me and we got to keep him.

The puppy was cute and unlike street animals was clean. It was white with two black spots, one on its left eye and the other on its back. The spot on his eye looked heart shaped. So when my bother asked me what I wanted to name it, I said “Love”. Love stood up to his name, to the letter, so much so that even my mother had accepted him finally. Even on his first day at his new house, he didn’t complain when I bathed him. He waited patiently till his food was served and slept peacefully on my lap.

The next day I and my brother had taken him to a vet and got him checked and gave him vaccination.  Within a short span of time he became an integral part of our life. He knew where he should go and where he should not. What he should do and get a reward and what he shouldn’t do. Not once was he scolded. It was like he had lived here for a long time and knew all the rules. Time went so fast when I was with him. And most of my childhood memories had him in the foreground and me in the background. He not only won hearts of everyone in the family but also everywhere. He was growing up fast and I loved it.

He would meet everyone with those exciting eyes and he was a sport. One can never get bored with him. And he won’t let you be angry with him. If for some reasons he made a mistake, he would come and place his head on your lap till you caress him. And if you don’t, he will look at you with liquid eyes that can melt even the hardest hearts.

And I remember the day that turned into a nightmare. It was summer of 2000. I was playing with my friends and it was near dusk. My brother and Love had come to take me home. I remember seeing Love across the street and waving at him. And he was running towards me. And at the blink of an eye, he was hit by a car. For a moment, everything stopped. And then I ran like hell towards Love. He was lying in the middle of the road, there was blood but it wasn’t much. He was making soft sounds, like a baby crying and wasn’t moving. I and my brother took him to a vet. It took us forever to get there and I held him to me all the way. I refused to let him go even when the doctor told me so.

It took my brother all this strength to tear me away from Love so that the vet could check him. I hadn’t cried, I was sitting still. After sometime the doc came and I remember her exact words, “it seems he is bleeding internally and is in much pain. It will be better if we put him out of his misery. He won’t make it. I am sorry”

Everybody looked at me. I went in and held him to me. While everyone came and sat by us, nobody dared to move me from his side. I held his head in my lap when the doc injected him with something. I watched him looking at me and in sometime I watched the lights go out of his eyes. Those very eyes that shone like stars were expressionless. His body was limp. I held him while he left me. I watched him die. Love was gone. I don’t know how much time I sat there with him, or how we came home.

I don’t remember the days that followed the days we buried him in our backyard. My family made an effort to cheer me. Even tried to bring me another dog. But that was just a dog, not my Love. Love had found me. Then he was gone. Perhaps he would have been alive if I hadn’t called him, or if the car had missed him by seconds or if I hadn’t gone to play that day. There were many ifs. But I had always held myself responsible for his death.

My train of thoughts broke when I received a call from my bhabhi.

“You should have stayed. But I understand. Let me tell you something. It wasn’t your fault all those years ago. Sometimes bad things happen. But you need to forgive yourself.”

I cried all night. But I knew what Love had meant to me. If I could have the time back with him, I would have it. And I would never deny my Tara of that experience. I would gift her puppy for her birthday. 

SOMEDAY SOMEWHERE SOMETIME

Someday somewhere sometime I lost my heart to u.

Not only my heart, my soul and my being too,

Someday sometime I lost myself in you

Falling free was never so good.

Someday somewhere I knew you were mine,

Someday somewhere I never cared about time.

Days and nights were spend in your thoughts,

Can I ever explain the joys they brought?

Someday somewhere, it did feel right,

Though unprepared, I knew I will fight,

I would fight to keep you by my side.

Never did I know that time will turn tide.

Someday sometime, time stood still,

My life waited for the command of my will,

For with you neither my past mattered

Nor I cared about future. I lived in the present.

Today now and here I sit thinking

How you happened to me

Someday somewhere sometime…

Seems a lifetime ago, another life ago. 

THE BUS STOP

I wake up to a mess. My apartment is a mess. I am a whole new definition of mess. I look around and then at myself in the mirror. Hi I am Avanish and I am in last night’s clothes. Yes! I remember. I was out with friends last night. Christmas party it was… and what a party. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and returned home around 2am. Neither did I have the strength nor am I a neat freak, so I collapsed on the bed as such. I hadn’t cleaned my apartment the day before thinking that I will have ample time on Sunday, and then Sunday was spent in merry making and I cou…. Wait a minute! If yesterday was Sunday, today is definitely MONDAY!!! Bloody Monday! Ohhh shit! I take a look at my clock, it’s already 8 and I am supposed to be at work by 9.

I calculated in my mind as I bushed and showered at the same time. It takes me 40 minutes to reach my office at Goregaon from Bandra. I can make it, provided I catch my regular bus at 8:10am. So I start getting ready at hyper speed. Provided a frame to watch me get ready, it would most definitely seem like some cartoon movie where the characters can be ready in a matter of milliseconds. But I am no slacker; it took me exactly 5minutes and 35seconds to get ready. Yeah, you can question my breath, but it’s not like some chick will kiss me in the lift… so I can put some gum into my mouth later. And God bless the guy who invented deo spray.

I run out of my apartment when my house owner catches me. Hey! I pay my rent, alright! She is old and likes to chat, but I am really really late today. By the time I reach my bus stop, I take a look at my watch, it’s still 2minute to 8:10. I take a breath. When the bus doesn’t come after 2 minutes, I panic. Perhaps it’s late, and that meant I might reach office in nick of time or I might be late. I brace myself for the worst. And I see standing near me is a couple with two kids.

The man is tall, muscular and tanned. His wife, equally tall and slim and is draped in a cotton sari. Their two kids, one is probably 6(boy) another 3 or 2(girl) years of age. By their looks, one can say that the parents are probably laborers or some sort of working class. The woman is holding the younger kid while the elder one is playing while his father keeps an eye on him.

It reminds me of my childhood, where I and my sister used to play in our lawn while mom kept an eye on us. I haven’t talked to mom in a while. Sigh! But I am busy. Anyway, I lose my train of thoughts when I see my bus approaching. When people start boarding the bus, the elder kid starts to cry, saying that he wants to go in that bus, while his father holds him back. I wait for them to board, I mean, I heard them say that they are too going in same direction as me, but they don’t. Even though I am getting late, but I skip the bus. The kid’s tears hold me back. Something tells me that I should wait and see what happens.

After the bus leaves, the parents try to console the child, but he is adamant. He has to go in a bus like the one left just now. And his tears do not stop. The parents look at one another and try to console the child again; they tell him about a monster that resides in buses like that and various other things to scare him. But the boy says innocently, “Baba, I want to go in the bus with closed windows this time”

And then I realize. He is talking about the air conditioned bus. Another bus arrives in 10 minutes. I board it first this time, unsure whether they are coming or not. And I take a seat at the back. Just as the bus is about to leave, the family boards it. I wish I had words to explain the excitement on the boy’s face. His face shines, the tears he had shed have dried and the most beautiful smile touches his face. He looks around as if he has entered a parallel universe. I keep looking at him and I am amazed at how little things can bring so much happiness when one is a kid.

When the conductor comes to collect tickets, the man asks how much he should pay. “240 bucks, 60 each.” the conductor replies.

“Sir, isn’t there half ticket for children?”

“This is not a local bus!”

At that moment it strikes me as why they hadn’t boarded the last bus. Money! The man must be earning around 250-300 bucks a day. He can’t spend all of that on a bus journey! I thought I will pay for them. But then I stop myself. I do not want to insult him by paying for him. Every man has self respect. I wait to see what happens.

The man says to his son, “beta! You have had your ride. Let’s get down now.”

“But baba, I want to go all the way”

The husband and wife discuss for a bit and then the man says to his wife, “what do we do?”

The woman keeps her hand on his and says, “I and choti will get down on the next stop and take the local bus. You stay with our son and we will meet you at our stop. If you reach first, wait near the tea stall. If I reach first, I will be waiting there”

And the mother and her daughter get down at the next stop, while the man pays for himself and his son and take a seat near me. His son sits on his lap and flashes a broad smile at me and then gets busy in looking at every other face happily.

My stop arrives in 20minutes and I leave the bus with two important lessons. First, I learn the value of money. For every man who wastes thousands on useless things, there is a man who cannot afford a bus ride for his family. And the second, that every parents give all they have to keep their child happy. They do anything and everything they can.

I take out my phone, and call mom. Office can wait.